Match Report
After beating the Ramblers 2XI last week (and the 2nds beating the 1sts on Saturday morning) this match against the 4ths was our chance to go top of the interclub table and further cement our bragging rights for the season. So, obviously, when I arrived at the changing rooms I expected the lads to be well up for it. But nothing could have prepared me for the sight that followed.
As I walked down the corridor I could hear the distinctive beats of the Vengaboys, Jungle Brothers or some other 90s hippity-hoppity thudding with every step. I peaked into the changing room with some trepidation to find Mr Ant Chow Esq. doing the most energetic pre-match warm up seen at the Ramblers since Roger last touched his toes. Oh yes, Ant was dancing in his pants. Enthusiastically. With an audience of eager onlookers equally bemused, beguiled and bewildered. Dom Cooke was so excited he took a homemade video of the proceedings and promptly posted it online here
To my further amazement, I soon realised that this was an orchestrated production with a playlist that had been planned and prepared in advance. The mind boggles. I can only imagine Ant breaking out the flip chart at a post-match debrief and convincing the rest of the team it was a great idea in my absence… thankfully I don’t have to imagine this pitch as Danny also got a video it and posted it online here
Now back to the football. We started with three at the back again and pressed the 4ths early to capitalise on our energetic warm up. Having been suitably stimulated by Ant’s gyrations Dom volunteered to play CM to release some of his pent up energy, and having been suitably scarred by Ant’s gesticulations Alex agreed to don the gloves to ensure he was as far away from Ant as possible and always at arms length. Dom’s excitement led to an initial 3-minute explosion of activity culminating in his annual shot which gently caressed wrong side of the post. Unlucky Dom, maybe next season.
After 15 minutes or so our initial dominance faded and Birrell decided to see what this attacking malarkey was all about. Without regard to our meticulous formation, he rampaged forward out of the back three with only one thing on his mind… it was exquisite chaos, for a moment I thought I was watching David Luis on Fifa 2018 being controlled by a 4 year old on acid. He ran the length of the pitch, passed the ball briefly but regretted it instantly, demanded the ball back immediately, wound up a rocket and fired it into the inside netting from a distance. 1-0.
The seal was broken and the goals soon flooded in. Ant, grateful for Danny’s publicity on YouTube, put the ball on a plate for him to finish from the six yard line into an open net. Danny, keen to repay the favour for his large viewership on YouTube, hit the ball straight back to Ant (via the keeper’s face). Ant finished it coolly and danced all the way back to the halfway line (thankfully fully clothed this time). 2-0.
The prodigal son, Martin, then decided to double the Cookes’ shooting tally for the season with a long range effort. The keeper appeared unsighted for 29 yards as the ball limped towards the line and made a late dive at the last yard to flatter Martin as he tickled the ball into the net. A salutary reminder that at this level precision always beats power, and skill always beats speed. To put it more bluntly, just get the effing ball on the effing target. 3-0.
Having already exhausted himself dancing to Gloria Gaynor trance remixes in his pre-match warm up, Ant volunteered to go in nets for the second half. Keen not to drown the fledging hopes of our young Jedi from the Ramblers 4ths the gaffer also made the shrewd tactical move of putting Roger up front; a veritable beaver in front of goal, not because of his tireless industry but because he will soon stop any flood of goals with his dam fine skills. #punoftheseason
Normally Rog would just lay a steaming log in front of goal but he learnt the best way to prove your critics wrong: beaver-y good. A sharp through ball into the box, he swivelled his hips and sunk his teeth into the shot. 4-0. #hattrickofpuns
Even Jon wanted a piece of the action and was unlucky to have a goal disallowed on the sole basis that our young opposition might have cried. But it’s hard to beat a team that doesn’t give up and whilst Ant was putting together a playlists of victory songs, he was lobbed on the line with a tidy finish from the 4ths.
4-1 and the perfect way to end the match; with hope for the future, joy for the present and some lessons from the past.
Ramble on…
MotM – Martin Cooke – the puppeteer was pulled all the strings during this match.