Match Report
It was a bright sunny winter day as the Ramblers assembled. As usual, there were a few last minute transfers including one dedicated Rambler who snuck out of a professional training course to join the team. He specifically asked to remain nameless in the match report lest there should be a record of his skulduggery. Don’t worry Harry Potter your secret is safe with me.
We also had a few new recruits including a man mountain at the back, Jay, a man who looks like he has been big ever since he was little and our fifth or sixth different goalie of the season, Matty Jones. There must be something about watching the festival of football that is the Ramblers 3XI that puts off our goalie’s from coming back; although we certainly do our best to keep them busy. After a brief run through of the team, and the same rubbish joke about our scouts and the January transfer window that the captain has been rolling out since November, we kicked off downhill, downwind and with the sun on our backs.
From the off our dynamic duo up front, Ant and Danny, set the tone closing down their defenders. They were like the Ronnie and Reggie of Ramblers football the way they tortured the Nomad’s Defence. It helped that the oppo had the same idea most tactical geniuses do when faced with team selection at this level… they put all the $#!t players at the back (PS I prefer a total football approach obviously). Their defence kept coughing it up like a fur ball and we squandered a lot of great chances from the off. Eventually Potter weighed in with a great motivational speech “C’mon lads, lets stop missing and start scoring”. Danny dutifully responded by putting it on a plate for Ant to cooly tap in on the six yard box. 1-0.
Moments later and we were back at it in their box with a lovely through ball for Eastwood. Clearly frustrated by having to endure Ronnie and Reggie bossing it up front, one of their defenders decided to take his frustrations out on the smallest player on the pitch. A lunging, jumping, sliding tackle/karate kick sent Eastwood head over heels (albeit that is easy to do since his head is so low to the ground). The Ref quickly blew for the pen whilst the oppo loudly protested with all the sincerity of OJ Simpson. Ant stepped up and dispatched the pen. 2-0.
All the kings horses managed to put Eastwood back together again and we were back at it again. This time Ant slid a pass across the edge of the box to el capitan as he charged up from midfield as fast as his little legs would take him. Fearful of stepping foot inside the kill zone again he responded with a wonder strike from outside the box on the half volley. The keeper made it look particularly sublime with a diving fingertip save only managing to put the ball into the top corner. 3-0. Halftime came as a sweet relief to the oppo who were starting to break down like they were on Celebrity Big Brother.
As an Irishman would say; most of my clichés aren’t original. But it really was a game of two halfs. By all accounts the captain’s halftime talk consisted of a series of shrill shouts, death threats and talk of tic tacs. He was like a Dalek on acid, only smaller. Without a translator the assembled Ramblers wondered back to the pitch confused and concerned for the safety of their immediate families. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the wind, the sun or the slope but we lacked the energy and effectiveness of the first half. Nomads’ central midfield players started to come into the game a bit more with the help of a wandering false 9 playing in the hole. Hulme did his best to follow their 9 and give him a good kicking at every opportunity (I mean what else could he do) but as soon as the captain went to make a different sub Chris took the decision to sub himself and raced off the pitch to get his tracksuit on faster than a babysitter’s boyfriend when the parents come home.
A great strike on a rare surge upfield and Nomads showed they would not be easily broken 3-1. The tide was starting to shift but the Nomads were a bit temperamental; 90% temper, 10% mental. Jay and Jerry stood tall and held firm at the back. Some strong play by Tom, Dom, Ollie and Bibby on the wings (whose names all sound like they could be in a 90s boyband) kept most of their surging runs under control. Until the curtain closed the oppo just couldn’t get “Flying Without Wings” nor could they “Relight My Fire” (#cringe). I’m sure the fantastic four will be releasing their Ramblers cover versions in all good records stores shortly and I’m looking forward to getting the band together next week.
MoM – Danny Brown – At times watching him was like watching a bulldozer trampling a flower bed – a thing of beauty and destruction.