Match Report
Following the Shrewsbury and MGS fixtures, the Ramblers first team are resigned to only 5 more major season highlights, London tour, Cambridge tour, laughing at Phillips’ gear on London tour, laughing at Phillips’ gear on Cambridge tour, and Easter Festival.
And so, the Cambridge tour was afoot and the travelling squad made the journey from beautiful Crosby to miserable Cambridge, albeit with some of the old stalwarts absent from the party. Changing room spirits were high despite the Man City like welcome that the St Johns boys gave the LRAFC team bus.
The youthful squad (less Statham) stepped out on to the moist yet pristine surface for the customary warm up. Smack a few balls at the new keeper (the first of three Handleys who would don the Sir Martin Bagpuss jersey during the match), piss in the corner, piss off the groundsman, moan about the cold then eventually get the game underway in a manner that reflected the physical condition of the players.
The mighty yellow and blue lined up as follows:
J Handley (gk)
C Drake
O Handley
Statham (c)
K Egan
E White
L Whittingham
B Handley
J Reade
B Phillips
D Holt
O Sykes
As the first half got under way the St Johns boys were right to greet the team bus as though it were Manchester City. The warning signs were there and it wasn’t long before the forward play became too much to handle for the inexperienced back line. The infamous “El Statico” was a changed man from seasons gone by, already with 5 goals in 3 games and with a weight loss of 5 stone in 3 months he was bringing a new found pace and positivity to his game that not a single rambler had seen before.
Play was tight until White down the right managed the perfect flight on his ball into the box which saw a hungry Phillips grab his first of the game from close range.
It soon became clear that White was enjoying acres of space out on the right flank and ramblers were wise to utilise this perfect combination of ability, pace and space. Credit be to Whittingham who was spreading the play from side to side with such ease you would hardly have known he was choking his own testicles with the worlds oldest jock strap.
Low and behold, a lovely check inside onto his less favoured left peg was followed by a curling cross that left the St Johns keeper in two minds, thus allowing the ball to carry all the way into the far corner of the goal.
The game was looking heavily one sided. Aggression and power in the midfield meant that any Cambridge play was intercepted and pounced upon. Word had spread through the public school grapevine that the man they call “Flying Chris” (Drake) was back from his 1 year rehabilitation programme in a place they believe to be made up called “Hull”. An animal who does not decipher between boy and man. Unfortunately for Cambridge, the rumours were true and “Flying Chris” was back and was badder than before. Luckily for Cambridge knee caps but unluckily for Cambridge’s chances of getting back into this match,”Flying Chris” had taken up a new form of flying, this was flying down the left wing, playing a lovely one two with Diego and curling one first time into the top bin. A lovely finish indeed.
Alas, a goal conceded after a powerful strike was fired past a nailed to the floor J. Handley in-between the Ramblers sticks. This saw Cambridge with a spell of possession in dangerous areas. Only was this ended when Lee Whittinghams anorexic son received a full blow to the back from a dangerously out of control, handbrake off, caravan. It was to everyones amazement that this poor boy was able to walk again after such a collision. He did, but only to travel the 20 yards to the side of the pitch and lie down again to count his vertebrae. He did not make a sound throughout the whole ordeal.
Not to be outdone by “Flying Chris”, White followed up with the 4th of the game, a lovely first time curled effort with his left foot that even the great Diniyar Billyaletdinov would have been proud of.
4-1 and the game was all but over. The gulf in class was there for all to see and Cambridge offered nothing going forward. This was until an ageing, creaking J.Handley, fresh after his stint in goal was rinsed by an Eastern European for the first time since he spent his 18th birthday in Prague.
As J Handley was busy picking up his trousers, the ramblers attackers were piling the pressure on the Cambridge back line to the point where own goals became the order of the day. A low strike from White and another from Phillips both deflected beyond the hapless keeper to take the tally for the day to 6.
Keen to follow up his first half tap in, an energetic Phillips looked like man destined for a hat trick. How wrong we would be. A clear slice from the edge of the box somehow ended up heading goal-wards before an off balance St Johns defender fumbled the ball beyond an all at sea goalie. This one went to the dubious goals panel and was awarded, rightfully and to the pleasure of the author, to the defender.
An eventful game for our resident Mexican, however, the post match fines promised to be even more eventful. A shot of for every missed chance, 19 in total.
Game over and Ramblers left St Johns College with warm carling tinny in hand and heads held high.
All report to room 111 at the infamous Holiday Inn for some just and unjust punishments courtesy of the peach snaps and Jaegermeister, all controlled of course, by the blue bootless (fine), Diego El Statico, Holt. Fines were heavy, the warm up was complete, now time for the main event.
With no Bradshaw and J Handley relegated to the B team, the Ramblers thought they had weeded out the parasites that had sabotaged last years performance, and so spirits were high heading into Cambridge Universities most important boating event of the calendar year. The bench was pristine, the Pickerall Inn saw a record crowd and the teams were lined up in formation. On the sound of the pre pubescent lads squeal we were off, and they were off, and we weren’t quite as off, and before we knew it all we could see was the ghost of Jamie Bradshaw, laughing at us as the last of the Cambridge lads slammed his empty pint on the table. Another year, another defeat in the boat race.
Nothing more to report really, all the ramblers went off to bed for an early night to ensure they were up in time for the breakfast buffet and the sightseeing tour of the city.
Stories to be shared throughout the season accompanied by some post match beers.
All in all another superb tour by all.
We’re Ram-ber-lers, we’re Ram-ber-lers, from Moore Lane Crosby…