Cambridge University (St. Johns College) v Liverpool Ramblers 1st XI

Match Report

And so it begins, a tale of joy, esteem, fulfilment, redemption and most of all booze.

Once Upon A Time, in a town called Crosby seventeen young (some old) men set out on their quest of football, goals, food, booze and women.  Only four were achieved, one guess for which of those wasn’t…..

A glorious day in the picturesque county of Cambridgeshire, along arrived a gabble of exuberant gentlemen ready to get stuck into another fruitful tour.  Our usual run in with the groundsman, who’s ability to use f**k in-between every third word is quite something to behold, also something to be repeated by some of the more dishevelled members of the squad later on in the evening.

Following the customary photograph, ruined by our resident Keeper who was doing his best to impersonate Marouane Chamakh circa 2011.  The game started with the home side being put under the cosh immediately by the pace and pressure from a vibrant Ramblers side.

It did not take long for a well put together piece of play to be finished by Holt who pressured the keeper into gifting him the ball.  Perhaps the St John’s man had flashbacks to the year previous when the handbrake was left off the caravan with devastating consequences.  A nearby ginger was steamrolled and flattened, consequently leaving him bed-bound for the next 24 hours.

Some fantastic link up play saw the wingers Howat and White being slipped in down the line by Phillips & Kresnyak, with devastating consequences.  One goal from Holt Disallowed, the next a great poacher’s goal from Kresnyak duly dispatched. 2:0.  For those Ramblers worrying that we have lost all of what makes this club so great……he is English!!!

The next two goals came in quick succession.  First a magnificent run from Cowper, turning one, two, three men and ripping them a new one, before smacking the ball into the top right hand corner, top bracket!!!!  Rumours are that on misty nights you can still see his soul searching for mummy supporting him on the touchline. Holt finished his 2nd of the game, a superb overhead kick from the edge of the box (or so he said, truth is he can’t remember the goal).

At the turn, the back ensemble consisting of Duffy, Doherty, O Handley, Bradshaw & new faces in the attacking line up of Parker, Halewood and Apel had all kept a very tidy ship. 4:0 Half Time.

A couple of very wise and encouraging words from the captain sent the 1’s out in good spirits….

St John’s were quickly rewarded in their continued efforts with a penalty, all in yellow and blue agreed it would be respectable to allow them at least one goal.  Our resident Fortnite master had other ideas.  A smart save to this left and a grab of the snood in joy, this would be added to the long list of fines for Phipps in the night’s Court Session.

The scientists, physicians and mathematical geniuses did manage to secure a goal, well deserved in a game that was played in fantastic spirit……or so we thought.  Mr ‘long john’ silver Williamson thought the game was afoot, and decided that he was not standing for the presence of physicality in one of the opposition’s game.  He boldly and bravely stepped up to defend his team mate, with a roar of fire and shoulders abreast he swiftly pushed the Cambridge scholar and politely chose to run away as fast as he could before he was confronted by the 5 foot 3, 10 stone winger.  This rightly had devastating ramifications in the Court Session.

A dubious penalty, and header from a superb run and cross from Halewood, gifted Holt his 3rd & 4th goal.

Full Time, St.Johns College 1, Liverpool Ramblers 7. (there was an own goal somewhere along the way).


And so we come to the fun part…..the night’s antics.

It all started with a delightful Holiday Inn panini and chips, following this the squad were dispatched to their dormitories with strict instructions to report to room 343 by no later than 6:50pm…not all complied and were duly sentenced to half a glass of rum.

With the squad swearing on Lesley’s sausages & proclaiming to bear true allegiance to Alan Issac, the court session, sponsored by Halewood International, was brought to session by Judge Holt, The Honourable Gentlemen B Handley, B Phillips and the enigmatic bailiffs Doherty & Duffy.  

Phipps was soon summoned to plead his case, guilty on all charges of brown Brantano slip-ons, talking to his pint, cockblocking, the list goes on and on.  It must be noted that he took his fines with effortless grace and honour….unlike another member of the squad.  O Handley was found guilty of misconduct in court on several occasions, and fined heavily for his actions.

On the notion that the vodka & rum had stripped away the majority of the squad’s oesophagus’, Duffy politely enquired as to how the vodka was made.  Halewood, who had taken it upon himself to come dressed as Mateo, Benidorm’s most infamous Spanish waiter, swiftly responded with ‘put it this way, it’s not potato’.  Take from that what you will.

Onwards to the Pickerell Inn!

Already seemingly inebriated from room 343, we lined up our best drinkers for the annual coxless four boat race, one that the Ramblers of recent years have not managed to come away with much success.

Williamson off to a slow but steady start, the Cambridge resident referee had glass to table in under 4 seconds, Ramblers were under the cosh already.

So on to the fat farmer, B Handley put in a good shift, crawling back a vital 2 seconds.  Ramblers still behind at the halfway point, things were looking ominous.

Next the static caravan, Holt chewed his pint reminiscent of the Dame Bower / Katie Price ‘documentary’, glasses down after leg 3, Ramblers finally take the lead.

On to our anchor man, Apel.  With record speed the pint slipped beautifully out of the glass and straight down his crisply ironed shirt.  It was deemed a record breaking victory for the touring side, with Apel managing to swallow at least three quarters of his pint of Cambridgeshire’s finest mild.

9pm, and it was time to leave.  Granted, there were not many other options following a swift removal by the pub chef.  It seemed he did not take well to Bradshaw’s flying glass, table-top dancing, and the echo of ‘sexy had a dream’.  Following Holt’s customary 20 meter punt dash across the River Cam, it was time to hit what Cambridge had to offer in the way of clubs…..

Weatherspoon’s did not disappoint!!!  A very dry tour was about to get a whole load wetter…..We were joined by a damsel in a dress who turned out to be the oldest, and consequently finest, bit of brass Cambridge had to offer.  She was very accommodating with her assets, sadly not all were on hand to see her performance.  Skipper Holt having assured everyone that there would be women a plenty, implored her to restart her show as our oldest member of the team (who shall remain nameless, but he used to model) had missed the evening’s entertainment, she gladly obliged.

With Phillips’s dancing & Williamson’s inability to walk down steps, the final straw was B Handley’s record breaking 3rd time in a row to be kicked out of the club, all for very different reasons.  It was time to call it a night.  It was not predicted that between 17 people, 13 different taxis were required.  With Cowper managing to turn up at the Holiday Inn, Cambridge Airport.  Maybe he thought daddy was on standby to fly him home…..

All round a fantastic tour, great to see new faces and long may it continue. Keep Rambling.


Liverool Ramblers 1st XI: 7

St. John’s College, Cambridge University: 1

Man Of the Match:   LF Holt


Holt x4

Cowper x1

Kresnyak x1

(Own Goal) x1


Holt x1

Halewood x1

White x1


Date Time League Season
October 12, 2019 2:00 pm 1st XI Fixtures 2019-20


Cambridge University
Queen\'s Rd, Cambridge CB3, UK